Funny Things Southerners Say

I chuckled a lot at all the funny stories of Snipe hunting and bonfires gone wrong while in Florida. But let me tell you, living in Colorado means I'm not around all the "Southern-isms" that I grew up with. It takes some getting used to for these tender mountain ears but it makes me feel like I'm at home when I hear them...It's been a long time since I've heard some of their funny quips. I thought maybe I'd share a chuckle or two with you and even translate a few:
* He's (or its) as crooked as a dog's hind leg (very much not straight).
* He was drunker than a June Bug in a vat of sour grapes (pretty self-explanatory unless you've never heard the blaring June bugs in the middle of summer while you were trying to sleep in the coolest spot on Grandma's screened-in front porch).
* That could knock the stink off a billy goat (yes, Billy Goats are that stinky)!
* Come here and give me some suga' (a big wet smackaroo for your aunt or grandma or anybody else, for that matter).
* She's just playing 'possum (pretending to be asleep).

And a few from a recent email I got from one of my Southern relatives. We grew up in 'Lanna, Georgia, and will forever and a day be a Georgia Peach...

Southern women know their summer weather report:


Hot
Humid
Sticky

Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey
Darlin'
Shuga'
Punkin'
Dumplin'
Southern women know the movies that speak right to their cotton-pickin' hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
Sweet Home Alabama
Southern women know their religions:

Baptist
Methodist
Heathen
Football

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna or 'Lanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall
The Spa
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair, heels and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

or all the other "Suthen-ism's":

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess".

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back drekly (directly)."

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large homemade banana puddin' or red velvet cake!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line" we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'alls is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine
Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it and it HAS to be added while the tea is boiling hot-- we do not like our tea unsweetened. And "sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk (yes to drink).
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"... and go your own way. This also applies to anyone who upsets you, is strange, or is making a fool of her or himself. Try it sometime...it'll make you laugh!

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff...bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived in the South for a long time, all y'all need to do is get a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I'm not from the South, but I got here as fast as I could." Bless your little heart, just fake it until you make it!