An Episode of "I Shouldn't Be Alive"

Yesterday was a terribly, tragic, torrent of troubles. Say that ten times fast. I felt like I was on an episode of Animal Rescue (you can read about yesterday's episode here). But today felt like an episode of Discovery Channel's show "I Shouldn't Be Alive". Seriously. I crashed last night at about 11:00 after a rice bowl, a hot shower and starting a fire. I woke up two hours later to a horrible acrid smell. I lay there wondering what it could be. When it dawned on me what it was my heart leapt and I jumped out of bed and ran to the fireplace. It registered a dangerous 750 degrees. We try to keep it below 400. Above 600 you run the risk of fire. What I was smelling were the walls melting. Again. This smell I knew. I closed the dampers and turned the fan directly on it on the high setting and waited to see if it would work. I checked the walls and they were too hot to touch. The temperature gauge slowly began dipping below 700, then 650, then 600 and finally got below 500. I opened one of the dampers back up to see if it would stay low. It did. I returned to bed with my heart still thumping hard. I woke up around 3:00 and 5:00 to check it again. Luckily, it slowly began to cool and by 5:00 was completely out. So scary.

Although exhausted, my alarm woke me up to go do morning chores by 6:30. I felt fear and dread (and cold) this morning. I didn't know what my future would hold but I was pretty sure it wouldn't be good. Before my feet hit the floor I read my Bible and cried out to the Lord. I had nowhere else to go. I begged for forgiveness for my arrogance, pride, anger, haughty words and unkind thoughts towards GA; especially for the previous days since we had words over the horses and fences. I asked Him for his guidance, mercy, grace, energy and strength for what had to be done today, help for the trouble, provision and protection. I'm glad I did. I needed every bit of it. I climbed out of bed and got dressed, pulled my coveralls and mucking boots on. I found my hat and gloves and jumped into the Jeep. I knew MacGyver hadn't finished clearing the road between our houses so I went out to the main road and up the front way to GA's house. I set the four-wheel drive. I got about 300 feet up and found a patch of ice. I lost all my momentum and my tires began to spin. I slightly backed up and then tried it again. I did this several times until I realized I couldn't even rock it out. There was just too much ice. I started to back down the mountain when my tires locked up on the ice and I started sliding backwards. I knew I was either going to slide right off the side of the mountain or bank it hard to the right and slide into the two foot wall of snow and stick my tires. I chose the latter. I was a little freaked out over the sudden stop on the opposite side of the road. At least I was out of the way if someone came down the road. I walked the half mile up to GA's. I was happy to see that all was well. Sharif had a small tear on his shoulder but didn't need stitches. I was going to have to figure out how to get everybody water since the pump seemed to be frozen. It seemed the day was going to be even more challenging than the previous. It all seemed to be too much. I fed all the horses and started back down toward the cabin. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was following me. I kept stopping suddenly and looking back over my shoulder, not really wanting to look, but not daring to not look. Don't you just hate that? I made it home without being eaten by anything. The kiddos were up by that point and we got breakfast. The vet called to update me on Amar. It seemed he was fine and could go home anytime. Oh! The relief. God had heard my prayers and Amar was completely fine. The kiddos and I gave thanks for that! MacGyver arrived home after his shift after stopping first to get some more diesel for the Bobcat. Good man. It seems we needed the Bobcat more and more as the hours ticked by. I told him more about my night, suddenly more aware of  the dangerous possiblities of what could have happened with the fireplace. I told him about my morning. I found myself in tears and he wrapped his arms around me. He didn't have to say anything. I was just so relieved he was home and would share the burden. I shared with him my four acute problems that needed to be addressed:

1. The Jeep was hopelessly stuck but I was alive.
2. We needed to dig the horse trailer out so we could go get Amar.
3. The horses needed water and the pump was frozen.
4. The fence needed to be repaired so Amar and Sharif could be returned safely and without any more incidences.

He decided to work on clearing the road, digging out the trailer from its three feet of snow, and then rescue the Jeep. I decided the kiddos and I were going to work on the fence. After breakfast, we all donned our
Carharts, grabbed the chainsaw and got busy. Ike and I felled our first tree(s) today. We dropped about a dozen 20'-30' trees between us. I was so proud of him, and he of himself. Izzy helped us move and lift the trees into place and then haul off the limbs. We all four worked most of the morning and into the afternoon on our individual tasks and made some good headway. By 2:00 the pumps were thawed and I was able to water the horses while Mac chained up the truck. We were able to haul the trailer down the crazy snow-packed road beautifully since MacGyver had cleared the bulk of it out of the way. The truck pulled the trailer nicely and I called the ER Clinic to let them know we were on our way. Our day was uber-productive and the only thing ahead of us would be getting the trailer back up the mountain, Amar unloaded and he and Sharif back into their pasture. However, once we got to the clinic, the front office ladies informed us that GA had, in fact, contacted them just before we got there. It seems God answers prayers, people. GA had decided to leave Amar at the clinic until he returned next week and have him gelded. GELDED! Wonders never cease. This is the very argument we have been having. I argued that no fence can truly contain a stallion trying to get to a mare in heat. He argued that the fence is weak and it is our fault he keeps getting out. I argued that a standing fence doesn't need to be fixed and the snow is so thick he just steps over it in places. He argued that he hasn't had that kind of problem in the past. I'll refrain from going on. Suffice it to say, we've been going around and around on this issue for over a week now; him blaming me, me pointing to the problem of a stallion and his insane levels of testerone. Even the vet agreed with me. It seemed it took something of this measure to get his attention and agree that something needed to change before something worse happened. I haven't talked to him and probably won't until he gets back next week. I have a feeling he is pretty hot, though. I choose to trust God in this, as well. I've done everything to the best of my ability with the limited resources GA has provided. The rest is in God's hands. MacGyver and I had a laugh (more out of relief) that this is truly an answer to prayer. I was so thankful that God heard me, that Amar is safe and sound, that we were all still alive, and that I am never alone. He is my ever help in times of trouble. And for that, who could ask for more? MacGyver still has some acute stress and strife he is having to deal with at work. We're not sure how that will all turn out, but we know God has heard our prayers and has a plan and purpose for our lives. What we do in the meantime is seek Him daily, constantly and desperately. He hears our cries and turns His ear to us. He gave us a beautiful, sunny day to work and we have a whole day of fence building tomorrow. I believe tomorrow will be even prettier than today. God is GOOD!

What God Wants For Christmas

Have you seen this little nativity set? I bought this one about four years ago and it is still the highlight of my kids' Christmas experience. I think it is less than $20 and comes in a nice little compact box. I think you can find it at Walmart or Hallmark. You can also order it online at http://www.familylife.com/

It provides a box you can open starting a week before Christmas. It also comes with a booklet with some Bible verses to go with each figure found it the box.

At the end of the week you have an adorable (and durable) nativity set for the kiddos to play with. The last box is a surprise and I won't ruin it for you. It is what God really wants for Christmas, of course.

If you are looking for something that brings the focus of Christmas back on Christ, this would definitely fit the bill. It is also simple and understandable for the youngest in your family. As my kiddos have gotten older, I've had them start reading the Bible verses and little poem found in the booklet. I hope they never tire of this little tradition of ours.

Wild Wild West

I woke up this morning to let the pups out and realized something. I look out the window, scan the horizon, open the door, and scan the horizon before letting them out now. I expect to find the mountain lion. And I don't want the puppies to fall prey to the mountain lion or be an easy scooby snack! It struck me in an odd way today. We live in the wild, wild, west. A very different approach to life than we had in our neighborhood (come to think of it similar in some ways)! There are many things we have to spend time and energy on in a very conscious way. The water consumption has to be managed, as well as the propane. We are constantly in a state of gathering wood, both green and dead, for the wood stove. The road is in a constant state of flux depending on the weather and how much it is being used. And don't get me started on the dust and dirt! It is a daily battle keeping the outside...outside. And then there are the wild animals. I have an awareness that they are always there. Sometimes it is very obvious. Just last night Maggie was growling to the side of the house when I let her out. And this next morning I went out to feed the horses and they would have no part of it. Usually they are all over me and very impatient to eat. But this particular morning they were spooked and would not come down to eat for a good hour. You could just feel it in the air.

I've been learning a lot about the enemy lately. This is how we are supposed to be...having an awareness that our enemy is always there. Lying in wait for us. "With this in mind, be alert" and then use the resources God has given us to fight...the armor of God as found in Ephesians 5:10-18 "so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes" with the Belt of Truth, Breastplate of Righteousness, Feet Fitted with Readiness, Shield of Faith, Helmet of Salvation, and the Sword of the Spirit. We never know where the enemy is or how he will try and launch an attack. Sometimes he even uses the people in our lives at a weak moment. (Like snapping when you are having a bad day or your expectations are not being met...guilty as charged). Sometimes it is the circumstances in our life, or the pride or fear we do battle with daily. We are called to live lives of righteousness and be strong in the Lord. Sometimes we take shots because we are walking with the Lord. Sometimes we take shots because we are not. I just want to heed the words in Ephesians 5:13-14 "and put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to STAND your ground, and after you have done everything, to STAND. " And then in verse 14..."STAND FIRM".

Books and More on the Wilderness Experience

I woke up to this rainbow a few days ago. I guess you could say I'm still in my Wilderness Experience. Maybe I'm not lost deep in the woods, but hanging out on the edge of the forest now. After finishing my 'reading through the Bible phase', I went through a month period where I wondered, "what now"? And so, I am doing a condensed version of a Bible reading plan I found on my amazing phone called 'The Essential 100 Challenge' which journeys through the 100 most significant passages in the Bible, which sort of seems impossible. And yet, it is just simply taking me on a hop, skip and a jump back through the Bible to highlight some things I oddly need to "remember"! The point of all the rambling is to say, "Wow!" I feel like I've been studying for a four year degree in just two short years. And now, I'm in review mode, but I am in a better place to pick up my other book reading. I've never been much of a light book reader. It's usually big heavy topics like: how to have the best marriage, how to teach your kids to love the Lord with all their heart, mind and soul, how to give until it hurts, and how to really become more like God. Somewhat for posterity sake and somewhat to give others ideas on really great books if you want to know any of the books I have read or am getting ready to pick up, as suggestions from my pastor, Bible studies or God-fearing, God-loving friends...here is a not so comprehensive list of "you've got to read" books that have touched me, transformed me and made a definite spot in that scary place called my memory...

Knowing God by J.I. Packer

How to Listen to God by Charles Stanley

Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby

Fields of the Fatherless by Tom Davis

Walking with God by John Eldredge

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (a man's heart)

Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge (a woman's heart)

Just as I Am by Billy Graham (and franky anything he writes is fantastic)

My favorite Christian female novelist:
Francine Rivers and the books I love by her. I love the way she uses stories of the Bible and weaves them into something easily tangible and indentifiable is incredible!
Scarlet Thread
Redeeming Love
Mark of the Lion trilogies ***MUST MUST READ***
The Lineage of Grace series (5 women of the Bible I call the "un" series)
-Unveiled, Unashamed, Unshaken, Unspoken, Unafraid
The Sons of Encouragement series (5 men of the Bible)
-The Priest, The Warrior, The Prince, The Prophet, The Scribe

My favorite Christian male novelist:
Max Lucado. I love the way He 'gets' the Bible and paints a beautiful picture for us. He must have a million books out there. You could close your eyes and point and not go wrong. Here's just a few:
It's Not About Me
Six Hours One Friday
No Wonder They Call Him the Savior
God Came Near
And the Angels Were Silent
When God Whispers Your Name

I haven't read any of Francine River's or Max Lucado's latest books. I've been a little busy but plan to do some catching up but have quite a list of other authors I'm planning on working on.

Right now I'm reading JI Packer's Knowing Christianity. He's bringing up the point that we know of God what He shows us. And that a part of knowing God is knowing ourselves and how much we need Him to really know God. Very good book. Highly recommend it. Small but packed!

And next on the agenda is Thomas Keller's Prodigal God, Reason for God and Counterfeit Gods.

Although, I just saw at the library today, Phillip Yancey's book Prayer and think I might interject it in there somewhere.

And still on my list of "gotta read"...

Extraordinary Women and various Bible studies by Beth Moore
Idols for Destruction by Herbert Schlossberg
Unexpected Adventure by Strobel
God Wants to be Wanted by AW Tozier
Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Your God is too Small by JB Phillips
Suburban Spirituality by Dave Getz
Politically Incorrect Guide to American History by Thomas Woods

I get several daily email devotions if you are in need of some daily direction, renewal, and growth (like me):
Girlfriends in God
Our Daily Bread
Proverbs31 Ministries
Max Lucado

I have a heart that desires to walk with God and to teach my kiddos to learn His voice. I heard a quote somewhere that says "God whispers to His friends and shouts at His enemies".  I want to be quiet enough to hear His whisper. It takes time, practice and discipline (which I sorely lack all of). Even coming out of this one on one time I spent with Him these past two years, it seems it is easier to get caught up in the moment of the here and now so-called emergencies and dole out a few minutes here and there for Him. We are prone to wander as the song goes. Don't I know it! But I want more of Him and less of me. And for that reason, I keep coming back to Him for rest and so that He can finish the good work He started in me.

And to that end, if you have a list of "gotta reads" that I can add to my list, I'd love to know what your favorite Christian books or authors are. I need all the help I can get (and a little extra reading time would help, too)! J

Joy and the Wilderness Experience

So, I've been on a journey, of sorts. It's been going on a couple years now. God gave me a verse a few years ago. I didn't understand it which made it hard to receive. I committed it to memory thinking that was His point. I'm sure that was just His first point. There would be many others. He, unlike me, is just not that simple-minded. Nehemiah 8:10 "For the joy of the Lord is your strength". He gave it to me at a time in my life that I was struggling with my health. Eventually it would be given names...Surgeries, low estrogen, low thyroid, B-12 deficiencies, Iron deficiencies, and Vitamin D deficiencies. Needless to say, I was T-I-R-E-D. And as a result, everything and everybody around me struggled. I kept asking Him what it meant. I needed His strength. I meditated on the strength part because it seemed I needed a LOT of that. I couldn't get through my days without His help and strength. Thank you Lord, for being my strength. I felt happy so it must be strength. And one day He showed me...I had lost my joy. I wondered if I had ever had it. I sort of felt punched in the stomach. What happened to my joy? He eventually showed me the times in my life in which I had joy, but first He showed me the areas I had lost it and then He led me up and over the mountain, into the valley and then beside quiet waters. His first order of business was to show me how much He loved me. I thought I knew. I've known His love all my life. I was raised with it, I spoke it, I taught it to my kids. I accepted His saving grace and love as a child. But it wasn't enough for my Heavenly Father. And looking back now, I think this point had to get through. He knew I'd never be able to love others the way He wanted me to until I first loved myself. How do you love yourself that way; God's way? He has to become your filter by which you love yourself, see yourself, forgive yourself, feel worthy of that kind of love. For someone who had been abused, abandoned, left behind, neglected and forgotten as a child, really receiving that kind of love had to be the hardest, most difficult and treacherous road I've traveled yet. The first step was to really see that I didn't fully receive it. I think that was my biggest battle. Evidently, my enemies knew that and really fought hard to keep me from hearing, receiving and truly wrapping my brain around that. Letting God's love permeate every part of me somehow made me feel like I had to air all my dirty laundry and keep asking him, "what about this" and "did you forget about that" and "how could you love this"?  And then I got angry at Him. I know. I can be pretty stubborn. I just could not understand how I wasn't "getting it". What do you MEAN? So, I kept asking Him, "How do you love me? Show me plainly so I know it is You". It sort of reminds me of the children's book I used to read to my kiddos that is answered, "Let me count the ways". And that is precisely what He did. Every day for weeks He did this very thing. But I had to learn to have His ears and His eyes so I didn't miss all the huge and miraculous ways but also the mundane, everyday things I miss. But each time He showed me something, I felt overcome, overwhelmed and unworthy to receive such blessings. Oh! The stories. I learned to write them down, too. Because at the same time (yup, this has truly been an epic journey and has felt like a wonderful lifetime of experiences in just a few short years) He was showing me over and over the word "Remember" which I then asked why, how, what, when, where...you get it. Him revealing His mysteries is no easy task...I struggle through it and go back for clarification, revision, contemplation and beat a dead horse until I KNOW I have it right. He truly does love me. :) I know for a fact He does. Nobody else would have that much patience. And He showed me in so many ways. Still does. But I had to learn to receive it, let it get into me and make me over. As I was doing "battle", I began reading through my Bible. Not just read it. But digging into it. And then something began to happen. I couldn't get enough of it. Every time I picked it up, He was speaking directly to me. And then someone would say something in passing that confirmed what I had just read. Or someone would be struggling with something that directly related to what I was reading, or I'd just have to share something to my kiddos and then they would bless my heart with their precious hearts and understanding of the Lord. Every day was like this for two solid years. I can't even began to describe what was happening and didn't dare. It wasn't until we moved into the mountains in a valley beside a bubbling stream that the Lord showed me I was in His own version of a Wilderness Experience. And there I am. To some extent, I feel like I've joined the real world again a few months ago. I finished reading through the Bible. And then I heard this quote from A.W. Tozier, "I didn't read through the Bible, it read through me". That is it in a nutshell. The Lord has restored me, renewed me, given me His joy and drawn me closer to Him all at the same time. He is just that awesome!

Big Day

We had a big day today! The kiddos started their new school and came home exhausted but full of chatter! They love their new teachers and evidently all of their new friends are very sweet! They will be going one day a week and will cover a bunch of hands-on activities in Science, History, Language Arts, Art and one called Physical Movement (I call PE). They started a new unit called Invention Convention and will be doing all types of inventions, discussing patents and creating commercials for their inventions. I am so excited and they seem to love it! There is about 10 kids in each class, all of which are homeschooled 4 days a week and attend Options School one day a week. At home we are now doing a computer curriculum by Alpha and Omega called Switched on Schoolhouse and couldn't be more pleased. They remind the kids at the beginning of each unit to seek God daily (and I cried), incorporate verses into each lesson (and cried some more) and even have a separate subject called Bible where they study and learn about the Bible and memorize verses. YES! This was a big decision to leave the school we have been with for 6 years but so far has been a HUGE payoff!

A Moment of Reflection

As we were coming back from our Christmas Eve candlelight service tonight, we were talking about how all of those tiny little candles made our church full of light, enough that you could read by. We were discussing how each one of us can make such a difference in the world with the little light we have; and as we pulled into the driveway I noticed how the moon was reflecting off the new snowfall and made it look like thousands of tiny little stars were winking and blinking. And when I heard a new song on KLOVE a poem sprang into life and I had to jump out of bed and write it down:

reflections of the moon

starlight on the snow

a catch in your breath

to see it all aglow

quiet all around

peace on earth tonight

jesus the babe is born

all around is light

a whisper, now a hush

has fallen upon the ground

on heaven, on earth

what wonder and awe abound

his presence is with us

his presents too

he gives us peace, joy

less of us, LORD, and more of you

You've got to hear this song!

While You Were Sleeping by Casting Crowns

Giving Thanks

Today I feel the need to pause and share how grateful I am. I am so thankful to have the honor of sharing 15 years with my best friend. I can not thank God enough that he is a man of God that gets up at 4:30 to go to the fire department, survive on less than 6 hours of sleep, has a heart to help those he doesn't know on and off duty and then come home to cut wood and fix all the broken things on his honey-do list. I am thankful to share my life with him and to have his help to feed the horses, work the colt, run the dogs, love the kids, pray with, talk about everything, share our kiddos, find contentment in our life and dream about our future. I am thankful that we have decided to homeschool, live smaller, sacrifice the "things" of life that have no eternal value, give immeasurably and love more. I am so thankful that he is brave enough to give me B-12 shots because I am such a chicken, love me when ~because I forget to take my medicine~ am too exhausted to move, wear my emotions on my sleeves, get frustrated or laugh uncontrollably at the kids, and accepts me just like I am. I pray I can meet him where he is, love him unconditionally, lift him up in prayer, give him a soft place to fall, build him up with appreciation and encouragement and kiss him every chance I get!

Moving In

We are finally getting most of our stuff moved in. We still have a lot of work to do, but, it is nice to be in a home. The phone company finally decided we needed SOME contact with the outside world and the propane arrived after much waiting and watching so now we can actually cook and take long, hot leisurely baths and catch up on some of that school work (since our kids are on-line homeschooled). We also bought a fridge so now we can stop using the camper's icebox, of sorts. Clawfoot tubs and high-speed internet. This is where the 19th century meets 21st century! God is so good to us!

Leaving the burbs!

After 3 years with our house on the market, we have FINALLY sold it in God's perfect timing. So, this summer we left our beautiful house, spent 6 weeks in our camper in the Pike National Forest 2 hours from civilization, and then moved into a cozy, little cabin in the mountains. At first, I missed my never-ending hot water and long, leisurely baths and comforts of a 21st century home. But I don't miss all that a home in suburbia implies. As I have matured, I have learned there is a cost and payoff for every decision I make. And as I can tell, we've had both in our little cabin. We've had roof leaks, skunks, snow, rain, sun, snakes, elk, deer, horses, (have heard rumor of mtn lion and bear), fires (the good kind in our wood burning stove), wood cutting, fence mending, and stinging nettle (the kiddos were introduced to this first). I could do without the roof leaks and nettles and am desperate to get rid of the skunks, but all in all, the payoff still outweighs the cost. God has brought us to a wonderfully isolated place on our very own mountainside. Who could ask for more?